Amy Cartwright
I'd like to tell you that real vampires go about sleeping in coffins, shunning sunlight, fearing
the crucifix and garlic, and casting no reflection in the mirror. I'd like to
tell you that, because many of you romantic souls who trawl through the pages of publications such as this, believe this
romanticism of us bloodsucking immortals to be true, but it simply isn't. At
least, not in my experience.
So now I'm going to tell you the truth about vampires: everything you
always wanted to know about vampires but were (very) afraid to ask.
Do vampires sleep in coffins?
Who would want to sleep in a lil' ol' box, when you can sleep in a lovely big comfortable double bed?
Do vampires cast a reflection in a mirror?
How
would we do our makeup if we didn't? Some of us can make ourselves invisible
in the mirror so we can creep up behind victims without them seeing us.
Can you kill a vampire by driving a stake through its heart?
Yes
you bloody well can. But then again, wouldn't you kill anyone driving a large,
sharp, pointed stick into their hearts!
Can vampires go out in the daylight and sunlight?
In summer,
Vampire Girl puts on her lil' ol' bikini and goes sunbathing down at the beach. Just
kidding! Bright sunlight hurts our eyes and burns our skin. We can go out in the daylight though, as long as we don't spend too much time in the sun. As for like in the films, where we explode on contact with that naughty ol' ultra violet, I never saw a
vampire explode. Maybe that's what spontaneous combustion is - vampires exploding!
Do vampires like garlic?
No,
does anyone?
Do vampires drink only the blood of virgins?
We prefer
the blood of virgins because it is pure. But in this day and age it's hard to
find a virgin!
What happens when you throw holy water at a vampire?
They
get wet. Next!
Does a vampire enter a house without being invited?
No,
we have good manners. It would be terribly rude to enter uninvited.
Do vampires fear the crucifix?
I love
crucifixes. You should see my collection!
Can a vampire drink ... wine?
Yes,
but I prefer the blood red wine that gushes out of your veins. Excellent vintages
only, of course!
Copyright
Amy Cartwright 2003
